I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
