apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize