There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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