On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
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