I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
