Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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