Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
