where are you?
Hypothermia
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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