i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I accidentally burped into my bong.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
