She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
