Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize