hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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