you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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