I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
