i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize