making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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