I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
