If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
