STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
