This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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