i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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