My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
