Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
