to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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