You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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