Old men and throwing up are my life now.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
