He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
