after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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