If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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