Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
