I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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