Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
is wine microwaveable?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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