are you still at the devil's house?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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