tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
