I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
