I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
