Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Randomize
