apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need a beard to bite.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
