from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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