Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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