Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize