Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
