Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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