It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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