Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize