Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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