I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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