marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
