i will never coherently bang her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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