I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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