evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
