I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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