I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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