Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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